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I reached the end of Twilight today.

It was as amazing as i thought it would be. =]

That book is like a dream...

Since i started reading the series, i've dream't of it...

Vampires...Blood...Love...*sigh* and Edward...

I wonder what i'll dream tonight?

ByTheWay: My next entry will be longer, it's just that once i enter my little world...*laughes quietly*...you never know when i'll be back.

Since you moved to Portland:

I've expected things -

• ��that you'd�call me.
• � that you might miss me.
• � that you would want to hear from me.��������������������

When I expect from anyone I am open to disappointment. I know this, I've disappointed other people.

I'm trying to see it your way. I don't want to nag at you and make it worse. But-but-but there's always a but, it's that I call you, I miss you and I want to hear from you. So I think you might have the same feelings. Also, I'm your mom, I'm the one that loves you always.

I think you're ok�but when I call, email or send something in the mail and you don't respond I start wondering if something's wrong. I get anxious.

I emailed you about this and as expected no response.

and i dont want anyone to read it (:

Our days are numbered.

Every one of us.

I wake up and get dressed, and face the crowd. But, for what? Why just wait for somthing to happen? what am i waiting to long for? Why do i just 'get though' everything? I have so many questions.

When will someone answer me??

Heya,

so skinnys are IN now ... = then everyone who didnt like them before... starts liking them. People who HATED them before hates them even more. It's kinda weird.. this whole fashion trend. Why not just be what you want to be.. wear what you want to wear instead of ... following what people wear?

Is that the whole meaning of shallow? i dunno.. probably not .

Its crazy how last year you meet these people who look so different from what they look like now? People change. But you wouldn't expect them to all LOOK exactly the same strutting down the halls. =O WEll , they do .

IT was like when everyone didn't care what they wore.. now its like a big big thing.

it's only been 12 months.

anyways. I gots more money to put in the bank =D i'm so glad i decided to babysit more this week.� WIthout spending much money i earned in th past two weeks. i have $ 60.00!� CHA-CHING!

yum yum . money

Now.. i cant spend it becuz.. i need to save up for christmas. cuz before you know it.. christmas will just be a week away and you would be stuck with no presents because... well. you spent all your money. then.. this christmas would be a sad sad sad sad christmas. It's even worse that there's BARELY any snow. or none at all ... its almost the end of november! SNOW SNOW SNOW. make our christmas a white white christmas . Everyone else wants a brown christmas. But without snow.. it wouldn't really seem like christmas. =( would it? i'm still thinking of my list. theres like.. tons of stuff under my name. but i have to think of what to get mom.. and dad... and phil... and ... friends. and cousins. I'm so glad i have money . cuz if i didn't . there wouldn't be a point in planning this all out HEHAw

catcha later

love,

������������� blahbee

I just got past the 'meadow' scene in Twilight. It was amazing, as usual. But it also got my mind thinking at a million miles an hour. I'll start off with what started my whole thinking process (besides Twilight).

I was lying in bed and i was pushing a pillow off my bed, but the wall caught it. And i just though of how the wall supported that pillow so well, i even tried to push it off more, but it held strong. Right then i thought '...What's my wall?...what's keeping me from falling off the edge?.. Why do i even bother walking up in the morning?' It scared me, i couldn't think of anything or anyone.

Then that made me wonder if i'd ever meet someone that could be my wall. If i could ever have someone who couldn't stand the sight of me only because they wanted me so badly. Will I ever find my Edward?

I couldn't answer a single question.

When i think of my life continuing like it is now, me never getting anywhere, never doing anything that mattered. Never finding my other half. Or even just a friend...

So let's talk about something else. 'Cause everytime i think about this stuff, i cry, or at least let out a few tears to stream down my face. I hate it when people see me cry. I feel weak. I wanna be strong. I wanna be able to be someone else's wall. *sigh* It seems like the only time i laugh is when i watch 'Family Guy'.

Some of the people at Children's Mercy suggested i go and see someone to ''talk'' to.� Ykno, where the crazy people go to cry. *grins* Sorry about that. *crooked smile* Uh..I kinda wanna go and talk to someone like that... But i also don't because the last time i did she told my parents every word i said. So, what's the point in going? I think i'm gunna try a couple people, see if i click with anyone. Hey, maybe she can put me on some stronger happy pills and i'll probly still be in pain, but HEY i'm happy, rightttttttttt?

*sigh* No. Not really.

Sadly i feel as though the pain is getting worse by the day. And i worry i'll never have a normal life, well as close to a normal life as i can get. It's horrid. The pain. And not only am i ill. I have all these other things in my life i have to deal with. I just tell myself every day it will get better...ykno...it always happens that way for people in movies..right?

I know i'm wrong. I just wish i could be right.

My tears won the battle. Good thing my journal isn't paper.

Today is Monday and it's going to be a busy day. We painted our bedroom over the weekend so that leaves me with extra work for the week.

Mark's coming this morning, more PC issues. My laptop has a lack of communication with the printer. AND on Friday the AVG found a virus !!! So I need him to make things right again.

no fun today, can't think of anything too interesting, seeya.